Tuesday, April 08, 2014

Fun things about being a Chef

Step inside the magical world of kitchens...

The Glamour

Blue paper
You will develop an unhealthy obsession with blue paper. So many uses. A new roll of it seems such an abundant thing. 

But soon the never ending kitchen mystery rears its head - 'where-the-$*&%-does-all-the-blue-paper-go?' And when you see that dispenser is empty a little part of you cries inside. 

(Source eBay)

More about blue paper
An uncontrollable rage fills you if someone uses a chopping board without blue paper underneath to secure it.  Or worse still they're using blue paper but it's not damp. Oh the humanity. If this happens at home, be careful, your loved ones may not appreciate this side of you. Like an Incredible Hulk type rage that consumes you until finally, finally, the board is safe again. And breathe.

Backs backs backs backs backs
You'll shout 'backs' more times in a day than is humanly possible. 'Backs! Backs Baaaaaaaacks!'. Soon you'll begin to chant it like a little refrain in your head. Chant with me now: 'backs backs backs'. When you leave the kitchen you may bark this out at strangers who spend more than five seconds moving out of your way. 

On the outside world
Ah the outside world. It seems like such a funny place when you leave the kitchen after a sixteen hour shift. A strange place where everyone and everything is in s-l-o-w-m-o-t-i-o-n. You, on the other hand, are rushing around on speed cycle shouting out BACKS at everyone in your way and wondering how on earth it takes people so long to make decisions. Like in a shop queue. 

Meet your nemeses - cling film and tin foil
At first glance these everyday objects are useful. They are in fact evil beings which will conspire against you at every opportunity becoming stuck and you will spend more time than you really should cursing them. But when you manage to unravel them you will feel victorious. (Enjoy it, this is a temporary feeling). 

Spoons (respectful silence)
Before working in kitchens the humble spoon may have seemed insignificant. Now it is a rare gemstone. Find yours. Keep them. Never let them go. Ever. I mean ever. Ever. Is that clear? They are magical objects that disappear only to reappear at the end of service. Also a really good pair of kitchen scissors will make you happier than you ever thought possible. Once you can find it again.

Arriving home with strange objects
On the bus home you'll wonder what that is digging into your back pocket. Ah, those three tasting spoons. And two dough scrapers. Plus some blue paper (that solves the mystery). 

On the long days
When you're aching where you never thought possible and you've entered a whole new level of tiredness you'll wonder why the hell you ever left your office job for this crazy world.

On the best days
And then your Head Chef gives you a one word compliment on a dish. It is the best feeling. You'll wonder why the hell you didn't leave your office job sooner for this crazy world. That's why you go home, sleep for three hours and get up and do it all over again.